The Importance of Empathy
Empathy – we’ve all heard the word, and we all have an innate need for it.
We know what it feels like when we receive it even if we’re not consciously aware that’s what it is. However, very few people actively practice empathy when it is most essential.
How can this be? Even though we all experience hardships throughout our lives, society as a whole appears to feel uncomfortable around, and therefore rejects, negative emotions. The underlying message we receive from others is that we need to “pull ourselves up by our bootstraps” and move on even if we haven’t fully processed our experiences yet. We try to open up to others for support and understanding but instead we’re met with unsolicited feedback, solutions, or explanations, oftentimes leaving us feeling worse. There is nothing more frustrating, disappointing, and isolating than going through a hard time, reaching out for support, and feeling dismissed and misunderstood.
Why Empathy Matters
The lack of empathy can wreak havoc on our relationships. Empathy is how we feel connected to others, so when we express ourselves and feel dismissed, we come to learn that that person is not safe. It creates distrust in our relationships and increases loneliness and isolation. It also has a negative impact on us individually as we feel that it is safer and more manageable to bottle everything up rather than feeling the disappointment of being unheard and misunderstood. This then leads to mental health issues such as depression and anxiety.
Empathy requires us to do at least three things:
- Slow down and sit with the uncomfortable feelings
- Set aside our own judgments and look at things from the other person’s perspective
- Look within ourselves and connect with our own difficult experiences and be open to vulnerability
More often than not, people know what they need to do; they know how to fix their problem. What they’re really seeking is validation and understanding. They want their pain and suffering to be acknowledged and seen.
When someone shares something difficult with us and our response is to provide solutions and explanations, we’re doing the complete opposite of what they need and sidestepping their pain. What they’re essentially hearing is: You have no reason to feel that way. Look at all these solutions. Just get it done and move on. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end, I’m sure you can agree that it doesn’t feel great feeling forced to move on when you’re not ready.
How can you improve your ability to empathize?
First, increase your self-awareness. When someone is sharing something difficult with you, is your tendency to provide solutions or advice? If so, there is a simple shift you can make – just ask them what they need. For example, you can ask: Do you need me to listen or offer solutions or something else?
Second, acknowledge what the other person has shared with you by reflecting what they’ve said or what you notice. Sometimes people may not explicitly state their feelings, but you can make reasonable assumptions based on their nonverbal communication (e.g., tone of voice, facial expressions). The following are some examples of empathic statements:
- That sounds like it was a pretty upsetting experience.
- It totally makes sense why you feel that way.
- If I were you, I would feel just as disappointed.
Lastly, don’t be afraid to connect to your own negative emotions and experiences and share that vulnerability. Sometimes people say that they’re not able to empathize because they haven’t had that same exact experience. However, you don’t need to, and it’s impossible to know exactly what another person is going through. Instead, the goal is to connect to the feeling and convey your understanding as best as you can.
For some, empathy comes naturally. For others, it will take practice, but it is achievable and will strengthen your relationships. Next time somebody opens up to you, take a moment and ask yourself, “What is this person seeking from me right now?” Saying something as simple as, “Oof, that sounds rough,” is better received than an unsolicited solution. Of course, everyone is different, so when in doubt, just ask.
If you find yourself struggling in your relationships or are feeling unheard and invalidated by those around you, reach out to Bonsai Counseling & Psychotherapy where we’ll provide the support and empathy that you need.